IF ONLY I COULD BE U

...d words r sound & convincing...i dont care if theres sm1 who follows my blog,all i care is i have a platform to vent my feelings...i am sad tod...sad coz...i feel loaded...i feel grieved...i feel useless....i feel lonely....i dont know if i actually wanna let things be laid bare...but i wanna share...share to lighten me (if only this could help).
all this while i've been trying to b sm1,sm1 unconceivable,sm1 unreachable,
all i achieved was a devilish angel.
i tried to b happy when sad,
i tried to be d best but i fail,
i tried to feel important but felt useless,
i tried to experiment,though didnt end up with good results,
i tried to make people understand,but created conflicts,
i tried to be faultless but m a gallon full of it,
and as i make my way through this qwerty keyboard tryind hard to get the words just right,
i fear of being misunderstood,
i fear of being not loved,
i fear of not being...
who will try to help me overcome my fears........d answer is faint but near.... from the depths of my deep-sullen heart.NOBODY but me....i'll again wear a deceptive mask...& like a "joker" project that nothing went WRONG.
EVERYDAY SHALL HAVE A NEW BEGINNING,
IF M SAD I'LL BE GLAD....
all m left wondering-"IF U COULD B ME...&....I COULD BE U"

SMITTEN

i realized being part of a divided bloc.a bloc divided between the "haves" & "have-nots",between people who "made it" & those "struggling to make it".....if only things could come easily!

as an adult i wonder if there's any truth in the "rags to riches story"...wat's driving me crazy is to see the great divide existing....one half blooming while the other smitten wid poverty.i wonder what celebs do in the name of charity!add on to their name,glamour & show.All we have an option is to see their glory & suffer internally.

what a world r we approaching to?a place where students with specialized degree fail to find recognition.whatz the point of having n-number of institutes when the ratio of graduates to opportunities is almost 1:100.I've been smitten by circumstance,thinking of an ideal career when at a stage i should be smoothly sailing through it.whatz more annoying is my persistent struggle to find whatz "apt" for me.i wonder if there is a world beyond money,with a sense of gratification & satisfaction.i have been smitten by being an average,placed in the middle of the hierarchy!i've heard people saying climbing the ladder is not an easy task...but there has to be a way out.

the utter confusion of my mind has not struck chords with the part of me that quenches for harmony.Itz only me who can understand my state,not even the ones who claim to.i'd rather be left than consoled....

PHASES CONTINUES...part2

i call my 2nd phase "a whole new beginning" & " a whole new start".i rose with dignity & i had developed a sense of pride in me.pride of doing things that i wanted to.the more i was moving close to my destiny,i did (not) realize i was drifting apart from things that i should have cherished.i was in a trance with emerging new emotions inside me.what brought me to the reality was something that grounded my feelings & concealed many things inside my heart.i felt dejected,lonely & betrayed.'the world seemed spinning'.in my turbulent times the only thing that prevented me from going astray was my 'will'.i had a will of not letting me get shattered under the spell i was in.i was in a labyrinth,totally suffocated & no way 'out'.friends that had been my life-i was actually pulling myself away from eveything.

the above description might raise many questions in your mind.i wish they had never erupted!but certain things if left unattended contributes to betterment(mine if not yours)!by saying this i am not being an "escapist" but some1 who knows "how to move on".

this infact was the most imp phase of my life which nurtured me in every possible way.i was no more dependent.i could break shackles yet maintain moderation...was chained yet free.i developed a certain sense of responsibility,unshaken in my opinion & determined in my execution.

"all ugly things do not have an ugly ending".it marked a dawn of new era in my life that opened the gates of superior wisdom..

MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE

Such a feelins comin over me. There is wonder in most everything I see. Not a cloud in the sky Got the sun in my eyes. And I wont be surprised if its a dream.

Everything I want the world to be. Is now coming true especially for me. And the reason is clear Its because you are here, Youre the nearest thing to heaven that Ive seen.

Im on the top of the world ,lookin down on creation ,And the only explanation I can find. Is the love that Ive found ever since youve been aroundYour loves put me at the top of the world.

Something in the wind has learned my name ,And its tellin me that things are not the same.

In the leaves on the trees
and the touch of the breeze, Theres a pleasin sense of happiness for me.

There is only one wish on my mind, When this day is through I hope that I will find .

That tomorrow will be just the same for you and me,

All I need will be mine if you are here

TRAN$ITION

what is past is forgotten,what is present is achieved & what is future is still not conceived.i gave this particular article the title of transition coz it's about the many phases of my life that has transformed & evolved me as a n individual.in a nutshell it's about "my life","my struggle" & "my achievements".i roughly divide my life into 3 phases.

1)pre high school

2)senior secondary

3)college

my pre high school had an early start in a convent school.as expected out of a student of a convent i grew up with the morale & principlesof high virtues-honesty,sincerity,respect,adoration,calm mind & a sound disposition.what was missing was a fire.a desire to succeed.being an "average" i was always let to believe that i had scope of improvement yet i was not "perfect"!!this idea made me explore the unexplored talents in me.i grew up to be an orator & eventually a performer on stage for plays,dramatics & debates.with the continuous persistence of the world who believed that i could do better with a "SCIENCE",seeing myself struggle for good results in chemistry & physics(which i still dread) & the futility of holding on to science on the basis of "biology"....i went forwardto take "humanities" at senior secondary.convent helped in all but one thing---seeing a world outside the sphere of "science"(which again was more a compulsion than a choice)!highlighting circumstances propell your decisions.

who knows if provided with a mentor or a guardian i could have excelled in "science" stream.nevertheless my decision for "humanities" was more need-based & I DON'T REGRET IT NOW.

pre high school thus prepared me for future difficult tasks of decision-making & adhering.i realized the difference between "taking the path & actually walking it".the whole process of suppression & expulsion ,the feeling of futility at one instance & of extreme importance in the other helped me choose (at least what was expected of me)my potentials & "follow what my heart said" ( a popular phrase indeed)!

it's not a passage of extreme hatred for an institution that ignited the spark of my literary career but a mark of gratitude coz it enabled me to decipher "other" aspects of life.i had an all together different perspective of the world i was about to b a part of.i was calm & rigid yet engineered with ideologies that i will never surpass.

I know now how to control & command conflicting opinions to use it as a stepping stone to success....

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

Classes from mon-fri,late for the morning class,gossiping in the canteen,bitching about friends,silent visits to the library,sitting with one mug of coffee with ten friends around for endless hours,relaxing at the ccd near taj,hopping to fx in between classes,moving to our ever friendly destination-cp & sarojini.Such was my life till few days back when a sudden wind of truth struck me-making me realize the helplessness of not getting it back.

The long awaited struggle(as we usually called) had all of a sudden left us in the midst of nowhere.College was finally over,not a hint had i that it would be such a heartburning.05.05.09(D DAY OF OUR LAST PAPER) EXPOSED US TO A REALITY THAT WE OFTEN IGNORED OR JUST DIDN'T WANTED TO COMPREHEND.

It was a burst of responsibilities that shouldered the death of college life.The desire of standing-out in the world & the helplessness of nothing concrete of my MBA entrances made mecrave for more..I was in the middle of 'nothing' yet trying to achieve 'something'.The utter disgust of getting nothing out of my aspirations made me inflict upon my mental & physical self,sufferings & shame.In the whole idea of building myself I was somehow losing confidence.(which i realized with my endless effort to find that extra edge to my skills).

The day after tomorrow is quite blurred,the present still not clear & the past a mishap!